Parenting the New Teen - and Learning for the Experienced Adult
One of the primary areas clients come to me for coaching centers on parenting and child development. Honestly, this is one of my very favorite topics to think about and work with others. Then again, I love ALL the parts of my job, except maybe the bookkeeping!
After teaching preschool, elementary school, middle school, and working with high schoolers and training parents and teachers, people often assume I am an expert on parenting. While I do know A LOT of things, I am always learning. That’s what allows me to offer value to clients - years of experience with a range of children and families and an unyielding commitment to learning.
When a student or group of children presented a challenge to me, I put on my detective hat. It could have been some roadblocks to learning or social skills. Or maybe I had trouble connecting or understanding a child. Or maybe there were behaviors I didn’t understand and therefore, couldn’t help children learn to fix mistakes and learn from them or to understand academic content.
I dug into learning myself to my students could learn.
I asked questions.
I watched kids and observed them.
I asked others about their experience.
I asked kids about their experience, ideas, frustrations, dreams.
I went to true experts - or those with different experiences than my own.
Even though my own kids are grown, I am still curious. I am still gathering knowledge and applying it to life. I read a lot and acquire books almost obsessively.
Shameless plug, I have also rounded up 50 authors for an upcoming event…more on that below!
I just finished reading Dr. John Duffy’s book, Parenting the New Teen in the Age of Anxiety: A Complete Guide to Your Child’s Stressed, Depressed, Expanded, Amazing Adolescence. Man, do I wish I had this book 15 years ago!
Dr. Duffy leverages his experience as a clinical psychologist to share stories and insights from his clients. He provides us, the adults, with a unique view into the lives and minds of our teens. I cannot underscore how compelling these anecdotes are and the truths, as he has heard from teens, are enlightening and, at times, alarming. But these are essential bits of information for parents who see to truly connect and support their kids while simultaneously providing boundaries and a safe space for them to work through the challenges and excitement of the teens year.
Even if you do invest heavily in your child’s Emotional Bank account and you talk often and openly, our kids are not sharing their deepest worries and experiences with us. This book helps you see what these silent struggles might be and gives you actionable tips for building that Emotional Bank account, encourages you to stay informed and connected to your teen. One of the most glaring points Dr. Duffy makes is one I have sensed and believed for years but thought it was more intuitive than factual.
The accessibility of technology and the pace of modern life allow adolescents to have the world in their hands, just as the rest of us do. They cannot manage this on their own.
Our kids “discern more and think more than we ever did at their age.” The rub is that many of these kids are being robbed of the time and space to experience the world. This is the experience that lets them mature physically, emotionally, cognitively, so they are better prepared to comprehend, analyze, and process all this information in their hands. So much is lobbed at them; they are not developmentally ready to process.
“So adolescence tends to be prolonged not at the back end, as young adults continue to navigate the persistent identity traffic that marks the teen years…. Kids are literally thinking and considering their place in the world at earlier and earlier ages. Though this seems at the outset to be a positive shift,…it can be quite overwhelming…it can spark identity confusion…and in many cases, a powerful sense of self-loathing.”
Our teens and young adults think they are the only one who wonders what they can contribute. Many feel they should be “further along in determining their identities and roles.” I see this in young adults and I hear this from their parents. Too often, this dissonance gets labeled, consciously or unconsciously, as a failure. Dr. Duffy offers hope:
“…often it takes a moment free of fear, judgment, and ego to allow you the space to make the most impactful parenting decisions.
In this concise and transparent book, Dr. Duffy tackles the challenges teens face (social media, school pressure, keeping their game faces on so all those well-intentioned adults think they are as happy as they are encouraged to be) as well as the hard truths parents need to know. Truths such:
one-third of college freshman don’t return after the first semester
your teen is anxious (whether or not they tell you)
“underperforming is okay, “ and non-traditional paths after high school graduation are also okay (and necessary!)
we cannot control the narrative our kids get from the world, but we can be in conversation and set boundaries
moderate stress helps us build resilience, confidence, and capacity
When my kids were teens, I barely had time to read. These days, I hear the same from clients who are also parents. We’re connected, distracted, busy, stressed. No wonder our kids are overwhelmed. But there’s good news if this topic and Dr. Duffy’s lessons resonate with you.
Dr. Duffy has a podcast, and he’s appearing with my friend Debbie Reber, author of Differently Wired: Raising Exceptional Kids in a Conventional World, at the Annapolis Book Festival on April 25th. Together, they will discuss Modern Parenting: Supporting Your Child’s Journey. If you’re local, I hope you’ll consider visiting this family-friendly and free event. (Debbie also had Dr. Duffy on her Tilt Parenting podcast, which is how I got the brilliant idea to bring them to Annapolis!)
If you work with children and teens, I hope you find joy in doing so. I hope you see them for who they are and embrace their dreams and support their struggles. I hope you find ways to learn from them and learn yourself. If it’s something you’d like to chat more about, I can help with that!
If you’re feeling a little frazzled, don’t forget I’ve got a five-day mini-course you can access anytime! Sign up for Cultivating Calm here and you’ll get five days of content delivered to your inbox and designed to help you find more calm in just a few minutes each day!
